Legendary Self

What am I leaving behind, what am I taking up now?  What does my Legend painting mean to me, what has she taught me?

I am leaving behind thread, yarn, beads, the fiddly trinkets associated with adornment, the fibers associated with women’s work. I am leaving behind the bits and pieces of mixed media, of scraps and bits and every marker under the sun.  I am using paint, brushes, canvas.   I am also embracing pen and paper to write, write, write.  To capture the thoughts, to work through the ideas, to not hide from the emotions and memories that need to be processed.

During the Legend course, I pulled three cards from the Goddess Guidance deck.  The three cards, representing the immediate past, present and future in relation to my quest with Color of Woman, were exceptionally meaningful.  Brigit. Sedna. Sarasvati.

Brigit’s card includes tag lines of “Don’t Back Down” and “Stand up for what you believe is right,” so I felt very good about that card. Sarasvati’s tag line is “The Arts.” Pulling “The Arts” as my future card for my thoughts of  “am I on the right track? is Color of Woman really right for me? is my plan to transition out of full time academia and part time art into being a full time creative a reasonable objective?” was very exciting. I was not familiar with Sedna.

I read more about the cards. Brigit’s meanings include exhortations to be assertive, to not worry about what others think, to put your foot down, to speak your truth, to stick to your opinions, and to trust yourself. The Legend course with Shiloh, Mary and Amber, and the writing of the chronicles, had me reflecting on where I had been, and times I had been most successful, so this card was meaningful.

When I read about Sedna, I literally sucked in my breath. Meanings of the Sedna card include “don’t worry about the future” and “you will always have enough to eat.” I have worried that if I give up my full-time administrator’s salary, I might not be able to afford food. Also, the card suggests spending time at the ocean or moving to a beach or island community, doing activities in the water, such as sailing or swimming, and contributing to causes that protect the ocean or water.  Born under a water sign, always drawn to the water, and feeling alive for the first time when my feet were in the ocean, this card makes sense on many powerful levels.

As for Sarasvati, her advice to the holder to change to a career that gives creative freedom, to join a creative class, to join a writing club, to do creative things and keep a journal couldn’t be much more spot on.

I have been on this adventure several times, it seems, coming to realize now for certain that the life being lived is not authentic and needs to be altered.  I have done the work, made improvements, and felt better.  I have gone through major changes and felt much better upon emerging on the other side.  I see now that my aspirations when younger – to be a writer, to be a musician – were real and true.  I wish I had had more faith, more drive, more will.  I wish I had been braver, more willing to take chances, to live an unconventional life, to be less worried, to be less concerned about material things.

But none of that matters now.  I will not be choked by the “tyranny of the shoulds.”  I will not be paralyzed by replaying memories and imagining what could have been.  I have heard the call.  I understand what my soul wants.  I understand how I can use my gifts.  I understand what I can do.  All the earlier quests have been trial runs for this big one.  I will be embracing what’s real.  I won’t be wasting any more time.